Last night I cried so hard it hurt. It’s slowly sinking in. Felix, Nate and I are leaving. We really are. The thought scared the shit out of me, so I cried like a fearful child.

Is this really what I want?

If you have been following my family’s visa journey, you would know how long I have waited for this moment. I can’t say this isn’t what I want. I have never wanted anything so bad my whole life. I am excited for a lot of reasons, I really am, but with that excitement comes this sadness I can’t ignore. It’s a painful kind of sad. I have never lived anywhere else my whole life, and the only home I know is this one I have right now.

I am leaving behind the only life I know.

I have imagined this moment from the time Felix and I started our visa journey, but in that pretend scene, I was happy. It felt good. Now, I am anxious and sad. It’s the opposite of that movie in my mind. I hate it. It’s not supposed to be this way.

This is my ever after. I know the best is yet to come… and the worst, too. It’s just that I’m not yet ready, in more ways than one. I have two weeks left to sort stuff, pack my entire life, finish last minute errands, and see whoever I can see. Felix and I made a list of things to accomplish before we leave. Still, I have a feeling that we will be forgetting something despite all of our effort to accomplish as much as we can with the little time left. I bet we will only come to realize what was forgotten once we are gone. Awesome.

I hope to make the most out of my last few days in Manila. All things considered.